Cooking for one a dreaded event

Hungry after another hectic day, I wanted an effortless meal. The microwaved Ball Park frank looked pretty tasty on the toasted bun and icy-cold sangria was my relaxation beverage of choice.

As I was ready to take a mighty chomp, the wiener became a colorful missile, flying from its mustard perch. Pit bull Lillie looked at me thankfully, inhaling my supper in one glutinous gulp.

Somehow, wine doesn’t go well with Cheerios, my second choice. I remembered an avocado, bought sometime during January, so the search was on. Beneath a bag of slimy carrots and a wrinkled, reddish lump that once was a tomato, hid the mushy oval fruit. As my thumb pierced the skin, allowing green stuff to escape, I made a mental note to clean the produce drawer or buy a new refrigerator.

Since the oven element fried itself to a crisp, pizza, pot pie or the shriveled yam with acne were not options. Simple choices have become mindboggling major decisions. Yesterday’s oatmeal peered from beneath the Saran Wrap without appeal, and eggs require actual cooking. If you zap an egg in the microwave, cover it securely, as explosive yolks cause amazing messes. And we’re back to Cheerios.

Brain tired and still hungry, I considered peanut-buttered crackers, which belong to the squirrels and wild birds. The glass was empty of wine and the spout on the box urged a refill as I contemplated my meal.

After a second glass of vino, Cheerios can be quite entertaining. Ice cubes floated among the little “O’s,” but finding my mouth was a challenge. Milk dripped from my chin and I thought of Gerber commercials depicting cute babies wearing lunch. This old “baby” cackled like a hyena while washing the bowl and spoon, reminiscing yesterday’s feasts and family. Thirty people passed platters and bowls of specially prepared traditional food. Today, preparing food for one has become a dreaded common occurrence.

Naptime follows mealtime, but first, I add Cheerios and wieners to my shopping list. Also, buns with closed sides or zippers to prevent airborne foodstuff. As the wine box gurgled a near-empty warning, the final sip of red merriment-maker made scraping crunchy egg parts off the microwave walls more bearable. Also, Lowe’s has refrigerators on sale.

Joanie Welch

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